Venus DeMars

Venus DeMars
Glass Plate photo

Sunday, April 28, 2013

In response.

Last week I was in San Francisco.  Well, not literally.  In my head.  That's the chapter of my memoir that I'm writing. The time we performed there. Flew out. Just a month after, a CBGB's gig in New York.

A well known San Fran band had invited us to be part of a monthly event they hosted... This was in 2001.

I remember the band ate breakfast in the French restaurant next door to the hotel we were staying at. Jendeen knew some French, and tried to ask for some ketchup... ended up with a plate and a fresh cut tomato on it. 

Which she ate with her knife and fork as we all teased.

Then I stopped writing.


I try and write every morning for an hr or so... sometimes I get up at like 6 am. set my alarm. Make coffee, and write as the sun comes up. Just so I can keep moving on this. The Memoir.

My bass player LeFreak said, when I told him about the idea a few years ago.. he said: "Isn't that the kind of thing you do when you're DONE with your career?"

So I think I stopped cuz of the damn audit shit again. It just kinda hit me. Again. It's been hitting me for all the damn six months plus now... Just out of nowhere. And Bam!! 

I'm done.

Just dead stop. 

Can't do anything.

Sometimes it's when I just wake up. You know... kinda coming up our of that lovely place were your dreams feel more real than the covers and the cat who wants to get fed..  Just then. And Bam! Oh yeah... That. And I can't turn over... Can't go back.  Got to get up. The cat's happy... but me... I'm not so much.

And now I'm here... trying to be normal. I'm in the back yard... sun's going down. I got a fire burning down over which I'm gonna make some burgers and a few. 

And I've got this fist in my stomach.

So I thought I'd write.

While the fire dies.

You guys, have been donating for two days towards our legal fees.
And let me say right now. You're damn making me cry. 
Cuz... I've been feeling so bad, and I'm thinkin' like I've just done the stupidest thing by trying to be some sort of stupid rock star... For too stupid long.

And now I'm gonna cry.
Cuz I feel so humbled.
Cuz I feel your support.
And I'm not some big headed 18 year old anymore.
I'm just me.

And I love you.

And thank you all.
Thank you so much.

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