'HAGALAZ' or 'Hailstorm.'

- to level.
"..consider what will remain after the disruption is passed - this will be your truth."
...my ruin-cast before our "winter south/south-west" tour.

I sit under the stars back in my northland home. The temp is zero, and the windchill reaches near -20 degrees. I feel the bite of our outdoor hot tub water. I feel the ice form on my wet hair. The tub is a japanese style deep wood tub. Built from a kit. Too costly to keep heated throughout this particular winter, but I'd asked Lynn to turn it on for my return. It is old and worn. But I'm in it.
The rising steam impairs my view of the surrounding bare trees, and the dim light of the kitchen window appears and vanishes. The water is still and silent.
I sip my red wine and water, try not to think too hard about anything in particular, and I slowly get drunk.

Years ago, before cell phones, Lynette and I and a poet friend made our way from Duluth to Minneapolis after a visit. It was winter, near midnight, and half way through the journey when the car stopped running. The outside temp was sub zero, windchill much lower. I was trying to figure out how far away the last gas stop was, thinking of walking back for help, when a pickup truck pulled over. The man inside offered us a ride if we didn't mind sitting with his dog in the cab. He drove all 3 of us to our Minneapolis home's front door. The next day, the news told of someone stalled just a few miles from where we had also stalled on 35w. They had died from exposure because of the arctic cold front which had enveloped the area... they'd attempted to walk for help.

Is it just me, or does everyone flirt with death? Is it because we all know death wins in the end? Do we taunt it to feel better? Did we just give up?

I believe each of us reached a precipice on this tour. The point of self awareness which makes you just hurt.

I know, there's the blow by blow way to review this last tour, and I suppose I could do that. To be sure there were some wonderful times: the White Sands NM photo shoot, The wonderful overnights we enjoyed at each leg of the tour, and the beautiful food and visits we indulged in with each of our hosts... but I'm just not really wanting to go down that road for this blog. Simply this is what continues to pull me back on the road: Friends.

My band mates will tell their stories.
You will hear them. And I will also tell you the details, and the bits of mine when I next run into you at a bar, or over coffee... but for now, this is the story I will tell here:

I wanted to try for a 'sober only' performance tour... I gave up on this half way through when the carbon monoxide poisoning took hold in El Paso TX. I did however, refrain from getting wasted. So there is that. But I can't do what I thought I could. And I'm humbled with that knowledge.

I found performances became brittle... I pushed, stumbled, confessed, and managed, but I couldn't get to the place I love. Where I dissolve. Where music, where voice, where time stops. Where they all become one.
I lost.

My distraction with van repairs took a toll. Rebuilding the differential in Wichita was an expensive blow... but I felt lucky to have found someone who could do it so quickly. Mr. Jean-Claude (Damn Van) however, wasn't through. A minor loose hose lost a gallon of coolant 85 miles outside of Albuquerque NM and at 7pm, 40 miles from no-where, we overheated. We waited 2 hours in the dark, In the van, in front of the pumps of a closed gas station for a tow.
It finally came.
Luck:
We arrived in Albuquerque by 10:30 pm, just a 5 minutes drive away from our overnight at Jules' place.
The next morning "Pep Boys" didn't charge us for fixing it. (Yay!!!) That night, however, at our gig at Burt's, the audience really wanted our knarly rock set.
We presented '10 BONES,' but I broke, and switched the set to 'sparks and speed' as soon as I saw the drift. It saved the night, and though it was all the music I love, I still went into darkness.

This night was my precipice. Cost, distraction, worry, depression, time, struggle, frustration, the years... and the years.... and the damn years.... and finally, the brittleness of not drinking collided. Everything was done. Anger was god. The world crumbled. I didn't break my hand...(as some of you know, I've broken both hands at least twice.) But I caused a great deal of emotional damage to myself and to my band.

And I apologized.

Hailstorm.

The El Paso drive ended with a major exhaust leak. We should have gone to an E.R.

Hailstorm.

I drank a few scotch's so I had an excuse for being so dizzy, and we performed anyway.

Hailstorm.

I almost fell asleep at the wheel on the drive back to Las Cruses that night. The only thing that kept me awake was the screaming bad leg cramps in my thighs and calves. Jazz road home with our hosts, LeFreak, also drifting off to sleep did his best to help me stay awake, but we both collapsed when we finally arrived at David and Donny's house.

... hailstorm.

Fixed the exhaust leak, but couldn't drive over 65 miles an hour and with no power either. We drove to Bisbee AZ.
My friend Ray (the mechanic,) there in Bisbee, made a house call and took a look. He found the new carb choke wasn't getting electricity, And most likely for some time (even though I'd made sure the hot lead was in place when I left.) My kick-down cable wasn't adjusted right either which added to the loss of power. I had no idea.
The air filter was dripping from oil blow-by caused because I was only ever using 2 of the 4 carb barrels for who knows how long!
4 hr's later, though, I had my old van back. Ray's adjustments worked. The new engine now kicked ass, and we had a killer set at "St. Elmo's Fire."
Then we drove to Phoenix without a hitch, and had another killer set at "The Rock."
The van climbed the mountain roads like a champ into Prescott AZ, and we had a lovely overnight there.
My acoustic set helped me drift back to the place where I love. Where I am lost in the songs... but only 3 people came to the show. With LeFreak, and Jazz, and the gallery owner Kim, and her assistant Laurie, that made 7 in the audience. It was lovely, but also troubling. It was a very tiny and intimate way to close the tour.

As we drove back and slowly descended the mountains, the van began to complain in the lower atmosphere. Time was short. and we kept driving without attempting adjustments... I wasn't sure just how to do them, and I didn't want to make things worse.
3 days into the cold north, the southwest warm choke adjustments Ray had done which worked so wonderfully there, just didn't work so well here. Then for some reason (which I am still investigating,) I lost coolant again, and we began to overheat at our gas stops around 8 pm, (still 3 hr's outside of Minneapolis,) and now, we were in the middle of this brutal arctic front. The engine stayed at normal temp as long as we kept driving, but climbed when we slowed to a stop. I assumed there was enough coolant to get us home by the way it behaved. The engine was too hot to try to take the radiator cap off to check for sure, and we were all so tired from the 9 hr's we'd already driven that day. I didn't want to give up. I kept on eye on the engine temp the rest of the way, riding it through the gauge's ups and downs till we were all back home.

Mr. Jean-Claude Damn-Van now sits waiting for me to gather up the energy to once again head out and sort what it needs... but I'm exhausted, and it's damn cold. Jean-Claude will just have to wait for a while longer.

photo by Gretchen Baer

Spring Tour 2011 update ;)

Tuesday May 31st.

Two nights ago, I was sitting in the outdoor patio of 'The Rock' gay bar in Phoenix AZ re-connecting with my friend Scott Pierce a.k.a "Miss Pandora." The night before was the after party for the big Fetish Prom event in Scottsdale which we performed at. My band had caught up on sleep during that day, but I'd stayed up as I'd not made it till "sun-check" party time... I'd gone to sleep at 4:30 ish and had been able to get a few hr's sleep, so wasn't sleepy enough to crash at our overnight at Paul and JoHanna's. But now, as I was fighting sleep, and they were not, i was regretting that decision.

As we talked, a huge verbal fight began outside the patio... which elevated into one car being driven into another over and over disabling that 2nd car, and causing the occupant to run for cover... (this between a man and woman who did not appear to be part of the GLBT community.

Our evening ended when the police arrived, and the owner of the disabled 2nd car came into the patio area. He was also drunk, and when he saw me, he stiffened, and stared. I knew that look. it's the one I get in straight bars just before a get a verbal attack or a threat of physical attack, and it threw me off.

Too much was going on police-wise for this to develop further, and we left, but the look startled me.

The police waited for the woman driving the 'attack' car to return, (she's been circling the parking lot for about 2 hr's and every now and then swinging into it to slam into the 'victim' car. )

As we left, the band-van's breaks began to fail.

The next morning while I was struggling to get the van's master cylinder replaced, I learned of a number of shootings which had just happened in Minneapolis including one which resulted in death.

This morning, I was contacted by an old trans-friend of mine from New York, who'd relocated to south america, maintaining Hi/r connection to New York. She's an organizer and an activist/advocate for the trans-community, She wants me to call her to discuss something about my music. (I'll be doing this in the next few days to see what she's wanting.)

Last night I dreamt that I was floating high above the earth attached to a balloon, then I was in a huge grass field under a windy grey sky, watching someone else struggling and floating by high overhead as they were attached to a wind buffeted balloon. I was alarmed that they didn't have control, and appeared to be in trouble.

After our performance here in Bisbee, we stopped off at the Grand Hotel bar, and met Burt (the bartender,) who used to drum for bands contracted with big label management, (Burt now drums locally for the fun of it having left the destructive rock and roll tour life-style he described, loved, and lived, to remain in his past.

At the after-party in Scottsdale, I drank too much, and found I had crossed the line for my ability to have intelligent dialogue. After apologizing for my drinking, I knew I had to find my hotel room and give up on the night, not wanting myself to progress further down that troubled mind-set.

Tomorrow night I am recording a solo song with Shawnee for his & Gretchen's compilation disc they're assembling. I plan to also use the track for my own release, feeling the now possible way to archive my developing connection here in Bisbee.

I have made new friends in El Paso TX now with our debut performance there at a club called LIPS. We, the band, agree, that that performance is standing out as one of the best performances we've put on during this tour so far.

I find that the thing I always thought I was "doing just for now," has become "the think I do." I've been on the Rock and Roll stage now for most of the years in my life now... weird to have figured that time percentage out. And I continue to attempt to make sense from this crazy-chaotic thing I've decided to make my life's work.

-Venus

Winter-West solo-electric Tour 2011 wrap-up

DREAM (Las Cruces NM Jan 12th 2011:)

Breaking through the ice, I was still angry about the GPS directing me to drive over the frozen lake... I knew it was frozen too thin. I swam towards the rock faced shore line, and reached for the hand that was extended down. grabbing it, I was pulled up onto the shore wet, cold, but safe.

Jan 2nd : Almost fell asleep during the first leg of the tour from Minneapolis to El Dorado KS just 40 minutes north of Wichita. Worrisome, but made it. Hot Tub and a wonderful spicy-veg soup waited.

Morning of Jan 3rd: wondered around Pete and Liz's 2 horse ranch... saw the snapping turtles under ice... (Or Lynette did... I only saw this video.)

Evening Jan 3rd: Wichita KS -"Kirby's Beer Store." a forgotten club calender notice, but both the bartender and I started to text and tweet. In the mean time, Lynette and I took a quick trip to the "Keeper of the Plains" monument downtown Wichita, the headed back to Kirby's for load in and set-up. The place filled nicely, and both the performance and DJ set went

wonderfully!

I love this club.

Note to self, Always a wonderful welc

ome here at this tiny club. Despite it's size, I'm thinking this should be a regular stop for future Venus/ATPH tours. Reminds me of the old CBGB's days.... (Everybody Dance!!)

Morning and Afternoon Jan 4th: Drove Highway 54 to Albuquerque. Small towns, mostly 2 way highway driving..... Through the Oklahoma pan handle, Texas, and New Mexico. More dangerous than the split highway driving... but shorter. follows the railroad line. More single bathrooms along this route. The up side of this route for a tranny-traveler like myself.

9 pm Jan 4th: arrive Hotel Blue. A cool art deco style old-world motor loge-inn. Doors to guest rooms (6 floors,) open directly outside. Great view. Located in a tougher part of town though. Everything closes up at 9 p.m. it seems, other than Burt's and a strip joint I noticed. Oh, yeah, a NY style pizza place, (which isn't really NY style, sic. Ray's Pizza on Saint Mark's Place is NY Pizza!) is also open late. Worth it?? I don't know... We were hungry.

Had Zombies at Burt's... watched the fish behind the bar attack each other. Walked back to the hotel and fell asleep.

Note to self: Avoid the 'Cackling Lady' with the dried snot over her upper lip at all costs!

Jan 5th : Drive to Phoenix via Las Cruces...

through the town of "Truth or Concequences" (formerly known as Hot Springs AZ. Yup, they changed their town's name in the 60's in order to

host the old game show there. Big deal of a thing, and then they kept the name. Odd... still has the Hot Springs though I understand.

Evening arrival at Paul and Johanna's place. Met Paul. (He's Lost weight!!! 50+ lbs he sez! Wow!!) Went out to lovely high-end mexican restaurant for dinner. Guacamole made at table side (I gotta do that at home!) Lovely! & Warm! Great Food!

Morning of Jan 6th: Breakfast at Two Hippies Breakfast Joint. (Love that place !!) Met some Phoenix friends: Nikki and Ester, and Ms Pandora (a.k.a. Scotty)

Evening Jan 6 : The Rock (show lounge,) gig - Phoenix AZ: Great turnout. I set up the full staging with lighted platforms and light tree. The works!

Note to self:... hard to keep track of all that footwork needed to do both the light switching and the effect pedal switching. BUT it worked fine. Also, DJ sets are best left for rooms with the bar. The show lounge is best for just the live performances.

Morning of Jan 7th : The drive to Tucson... Arrive at the non desrcript tiny, adobe style

motel... Got one key only, also the TV remote given at time of check in... to be returned upon check-out.

Evening of Jan 7th: PLUSH. Great turn out. At load in, we met and talked to local couple... told us of an excavation done on a sidewalk where they city discovered 6 feet down, a forgotten grave from the old west, it contained two skeletons who were in an embrace.

First band: Pork Torta (Friends of mine,) Sounded like Gang of 4. Loved them!! Then me... the crowd seemed to like what I did... sold a lot, also heard lots of interest in my return. Last band: Mr Free... a cross between Go-Go Bordello and Frank Zappa I'd say. Way cool! the audience was there for them, and they loved it! So did I.

Morning of Jan 8th: breakfast at a crepe place near PLUSH on 4th. Wonderful. left for Bisbee.

Midday of Jan 8th: arrival at Bisbee. Heard the news: The shooting of AZ congress woman Gabrielle Giffords. which had happened in Tucson while we were having breakfast there. Horrible news. We'd had no idea till we'd hit Bisbee. Everyone we saw had red eyes. So sad.

Evening of Jan 8th: Dinner at Roka. Learned that congress woman "Gabby," (as people there

were calling her,) was a regular at Roka, and had even held fundraisers there. People were relieved that she had survived the shooting, and were now all talking about the circumstances surrounding the shooting, and AZ politics in

general. Sad Sad stuff... but dinner was wonderful!! (see photos of special custom made dessert: before and after photos... a preview of tomorrow's theme surrounding the performance: "Mimes vs. Clowns"... Note to self: mimes are OK, clowns still creep me out.)

Jan 9th : Roka "Venus' Dark Carnival" aka "Mimes vs. Clowns". at load in, the band van, aka "John Claude Damn Van" aka "The Black Pearl" aka "The Kitty Van" acted up... didn't like the altitude much... (air to fuel mix to rich?) the carburetor doesn't have mix adjustment screw... what's up with that!?!

Upon our costumed arrival just half an hour before doors, I hit a curb outside the restaurant and immediately blew the front right tire (AGGH!!) Attempted to change the tire in stiletto boots, mini skirt, corset, and orange fuzzy short-jacket. Rod, one of the owners of Roka, came out, and took over... (Thank you Rod!!! )

The show went Wonderfully. Everyone able to be together during this rough time for AZ and the country. ...DJ set was a blast... (Everybody Dance!!... even Clowns and Mimes.)

Load out at the end of the night was down the 3 flights of stairs... tough, but had help.

PS Louise, (aka Sock (slut,) Monkey http://louiseslutmonkey.blogspot.com) Thank you SO MUCH for the painting!!!! I missed you at the show... PPS I like the crotch grinder idea... I may use the idea, if you don't mind, in some future performance ;)

Jan 10th: drive back to Phoenix... saw Lynette off on her flight :_( ... "bye spot...." :( Sad again.

Evening of Jan 10th: pick-up gig at coffee shop via Jane Joyce. A cameo performance outside after a Poetry Slam.

Chilly but decided to do it in full costume... grinder and all. Full electric rig... Yeah!! Tiny audience of poets plus one couple who had missed the earlier "ROCK" performance, (also Johanna and Paul of course, ) ... they all seemed to like it... the chill finally stopped my finger's articulation, and I had to give up, but not till after the grinder ;)

... Note to self: Ask if the outdoor heaters are working for next outside gig... these weren't.

End of night Jan 10th: the ReBar (bar,) around the corner. a woman came up to me and said she and her friends had walked past during my outdoor performance: Quote: "Kick Ass, You were Rocking Out, ... Loved the ass (my g-string,) in fishnets!"

... She made the chilly night totally worth it.

PS Jane, Love your songs (also performed that night,) AND Brilliant New CD! Listened to it on the drive to Las Cruces!! (PPS LeFreak, Jane gave me an extra to give to you ;)

Jan 11th: FB Flooded with Happy Birthdays.. (Thank you ;) Got lunch muffin and coffee thanks to Ms Pandora. Bought a pair of black cowboy boots at an antique store... Broken in for someone else's feet... but should be broken into mine in a few weeks. Got dinner, and later.. an saw a vinyl dress that I had to have in a small GLBT boutique next to The Rock! wasn't sure know just how I was going to buy it... when Paul stepped in...

(Thank you Paul,) =D

Went clubbing that night... (in the n

ew dress of course.) Ended that at Char's House and Lady Jae's performance with Paul and Ms Pandora... way cool! Ended the night helping Paul jump Ms Pandora's car which had died earlier in the evening... (how's it looking now Ms P? I think it's either the belt or the alternator... again with the tools and fishnets... discovered my large ratchet tool was broke when I tried to tighten the alt. belt.

Last B-Day Present: got a lovely Jack Skellington and Zero bobble-head for Pearl's dash from Pandora. !! They're bobbling just fine!!

Morning of Jan 12th: Last breakfast at Two Hippies... bought a bustier I saw the day before at the antique shop across the street which I'd had my eye on.. Left for Las Cruces. Was lonely to drive solo for the first time on the tour. ("Miss you Lynnie.")

PS... Jar-Jar (the wonder dog:) Stay Off The Bed will Ya?!! and to Tordie-kitty Pandora: Thank you for your fuzzy-cute company. Did you know you have a twin in Minneapolis by the name of "Bat-Girl?"

Evening of Jan 12th: arrival at Las Cruces; The city unfolded like a crowded, beautiful star field in the desert darkness as I drove in. Pulled in front of David and Donny's house. Warm welcome including a fire in the fireplace, and a home cooked pot-roast dinner!! Couldn't get any better! Caught up with old friends, and met their house mate James who graciously let me sleep in his room. (Thank you James. hope you had fun at the Truck-Pull ;)

Morning of Jan 13th... David and I went on our hike up the Organ Mountains. More catching up... enjoyed a wonderful packed lunch. Took tons of photos... Simply Beautiful!! Heard an Eagle just on the other side of a peak, but it wouldn't fly overhead... On the way back, Saw my first Road Runner crossing our path... Totally cool!!! "Good Luck... worth a thousand falling stars" David sez. We stopped at the downtown Theater (the Rio Grande) which David runs... Also beautiful. Had another lovely home cooked dinner (both dinners prepared by David,) and finished the evening by playing guitar, and also listening to Donny's piano playing and songs.

Lovely.

Note to self: Be Sure to make a return visit on the next tour. the perfect halfway stop!

Afternoon of Jan 13th: stopped at Le Freak's favorite fuel stop.

Note to self, (based on LeFreak's last experience there:) remember not to wear women's bib overalls and use the urinal in the men's room at this stop. I successfully avoided doing both.

Morning and afternoon of Jan 14th: drive into Albuquerque and checked back into the Hotel Blue. Tried to run out for coffee, but the coffee shop: (Java Joe's) closed at 3:30 pm!! Just missed it. Went back to the hotel, had 'Hotel Coffee' bleacchh, and napped till it was time to get ready for the gig.

Evening of Jan 14th: arrived an hr too early at Burt's... still closed. too cold to sit in the car, went back to the hotel... returned at 8, but still locked... finally got their attention, and loaded in... got the DJ table, (my rig, and also my merch,) set up just in time to spin 3 records before the opening act. Which was led by Chris (of Vertigo Venus,) Surf guitar... totally cool as shit! Then Suicide Lanes... also Totally cool!! then me... (Thank you Albq for such a warm welcome!! was good to be back!) Finally Vertigo Venus got onstage, and kicked ass till the bouncers kicked everyone's ass outta there.

Load-out with help from Vertigo Venus, about to drive away when Kenny run up and stuffed cash into my hand saying Suicide Lanes had donated their cut to help with travels!! Couldn't believe it!! (Thank You Guys!!! Wow!!!) Slept for 3 hr's, Head felt like lead...

Morning of Jan 15th: head REALLY felt like lead!! Got on the road by 7:30 am, and used the donated cash for my first tank of fuel at the top of the mountain pass out. Drove 54 all the way to Wichita... thought I was almost to my overnight at Peter and Liz's when I saw I'd set my GPS to Kirby's and was 5 minutes away from there. ... pulled over and re-set GPS with sleepy eyes... took another 40 minutes, but made it.

Another home cooked dinner waited, then Hot Tub and 2 cold beers... I almost fell asleep in the hot tub at 9:30!! ... Long drive! Thank you two Pete and Liz!!

Jan 16-17... just hanging out in Kansas (El Dorado) at Pete and Liz's ... went to a cool movie theater chain called Warren Theaters. Newly build, but in the old world style of over the top opulence. Gorgeous! Left my cab light on since the evening of the 15th... so now I have a stone dead battery, but Peter has a charger, and it's charging up as I finish this wrap-up.

Plans are to head out on the last leg to Minneapolis between 7 and 8 am tomorrow morning. Dodge the ice storm, and deal with the single digit temps again.... But it's Home. See you soon.

- Venus

Last night I woke up...

Last night I woke up, and wondered about how cold it'd gotten. I was walking about without a coat just a week ago! My cat Totoro, was laying between us on top of the blankets on his back, stretched way out... He's a Norwegian Forest Cat who was a stray, and we'd found that he'd taken refuge in our yard this same month 2 years ago.

We was softly purring as I laid my cold hand on his fuzzy stomach. He's a huge cat... stretched out, he's almost 3 feet long to the tip of his tail! No fat... just bone and muscle.

When we'd taken him in 2 winters ago, he was so scared and cold... he'd growl and purr at the same time, not willing to let us near him... but so hungry, that he'd run from his hiding place to get the food we'd put out for him till he finally decided he was homeless, and really needed someplace warm to live.

The night we finally decided to take the chance and bring him in, it had dropped to 30 below windchill. he had a cold, and his eyes and nose were running... He had curled up on one of the bench seats from the band-van which I'd taken out and had sitting in our garage. I bent over, and taking a breath, knowing he may bite, or scratch me, I put my hands around his cold body, and picked him up to my chest, then carried him inside... He didn't growl, or struggle. When I set him down in the basement, he just looked kind of stunned. I brought him a big bowl of dry food. Our other cats, were shut upstairs, and were totally out of their minds over who I had brought in ... and upon hearing them yowl, and claw upstairs, he ran and hid.

2 years later, he's now king of the house... though still scared when something unexpected happens. Pan-Pan, our other male, (and the stray we'd taken in 2 years before Totoro, has had to grudgingly give up control of the house except the 3rd floor, where he can still call the shots. Bat-Girl, our tortoise-shell rescue cat is the glue that helps keep Totoro and Pan able to deal with each other.

On this cold night, I understood how so much of life can change by just being willing to take a chance.

I think it's also why I'm still slugging along in rock and roll after so many years... I keep taking chances.

Please consider coming to our gig on Saturday Nov 27th at Chicago's Club EXIT. And please, those of you who can't make it to Chicago, tell your friends down there about us, and this night. We're all crazy rock and roll people still trying to change the world, and still slugging it out as best we can, taking chances all the way. ;)

-Venus
PS, our friend Christina, is also having her Birthday Bash event this same night at the EXIT... I expect nothing like this night will ever be seen again... don't miss it.

I see you peeking out at us from under the bed covers. You curled on your side with the blankets pulled up half over your face.

Your uneaten lunch from four hours ago still on the rolling table next t you.

You're happy to have us there as we chatter about family and new things which are happening.

I wonder what you are thinking as I watch your eyes scan across the room at each of us.

Do you know who I am?

You're 92 now.

And back in the hospital.

I remember being in Amsterdam sitting in the audience at the Paridiso as the documentary premiered.

You appeared suddenly on that huge screen.

You quietly but fiercely defended me as a trans-person, ...but "still your son" you'd said.

I remember how the audience loved your comment about 'being scandinavian... not too emotional you know."

Do you remember that interview? Is it still somewhere in your forgotten memories?

A few months ago, after you'd moved from the house you helped build, into a new place with hallways and staff.. I had a dream:

Driving on a quiet and dark night, I pulled up and parked next to your back yard. I left my van, and joined you while you were sitting outside on chairs set along your back sidewalk facing out onto the back year. I sat with you as you talked about how much you loved your flowers which were blooming and visible in the circle of the back yard light. The night was warm and quiet.

Then I noticed how quiet it really was... no sound from the usual night creatures. no sound at all. no breeze, or rustling leaves. I looked around the back yard and it was all there in the dark, softly illuminated by the glowing street lamps, but as I looked up, I saw that there was no stars. and I could just make out how at the edge of your yard and slightly into the woods things cleared away... and a large quiet warehouse floor became just visible. And I remembered that I had come to visit you at your new place which was reconstructed to look like your old house. But always night, always quiet, always isolated.

You talked about how something just wasn't right, but you couldn't put your finger on it. Still, you loved how the flowers looked, and you were content.

I remember the sadness overtaking me, as I eventually climbed back into my van, and drove away from you with the headlights on, searching for the exit that I couldn't remember in that huge, empty, still, darkened warehouse.

What are you thinking as you peer out at us?

When asked what your favorite dessert is you reply "Cream of Wheat."

2 days ago you pulled the needle from your arm twice, so now they watch you swallow pills instead.

But you don't always.

...

I love you Mom.

I can't say goodbye yet you know... but maybe that's what you've been quietly saying to me? To us?

As we leave, you smile... pull the covers away from your face a bit, say you want photos next time: "Remember to bring photos next time."

I can only nod an agreement after I hug you.

My voice is gone.

A pastel my Dad made of my Mom before I was born.

In my dream last month, the car was parked in the driveway of my Mom's house. It was winter, and I was standing over the open trunk. My job was to saw off the paws of the cat laying there. A long-hair golden cat.

I was horrified...but I knew it had to be done. I began the process... holding one arm securely, I steeled myself, and sawed through the flesh and bone with the small toothed saw not unlike a coping saw.

The cat didn't struggle, or react to pain, it just laid looking at me with sad eyes. They scanned over my face. I took another breath, and moved to the second arm, again sawing through it, feeling the resistance of bone. Then onto the left leg. Finally, as my eyes were welling with tears, I made it through the final leg.

Just as I'd finished, the cat jumped up, and slipped through a small rusted hole in the side of the trunk, into the winter snow, and running on stumps, it left bloody tracks as it slipped down a hole in the snow, and disappearing from view.

Guilt and horror overtook me. I screamed for help. I imagined the cat slowly dying from blood loss and frozen flesh. I howled in grief, tears running. I struggled with why I had done this, knowing it was wrong... why didn't I stop? why did I continue? Who'd convinced me I even had to do this? and why didn't I refuse? I hugged my sides, inconsolable, wanting to throw up.

I collapsed in the snow next to the car and curled into a ball.

The end of last month, I spent my final week in Duluth taking care of my Mom. She's now in an assisted living hospice. 5 days there now, as of this blog.

It's a good place, and has all 3 facilities for final living:

1. Independent living apartments; Come and go as you wish, within an accessible designed living complex, near help if needed.

2. Assisted Living. (where my Mom now is;) Round the clock checkins by staff. Scheduled care taking and health monitoring, 3 group meals a day, but within an apartment like living space where you're free to hang your own pictures, and bring in your own furniture, bed, tables, etc... an activity schedule.

3. End of life care; (I only asked about this, but my understanding is it's more like a hospital stay environment.)

My mom sleeps most of the time. Napping in her big chair.

During our day trip there 2 days ago, Just after her dinner, and after we'd hung some pictures we'd taken there from her house, I dialed my aunt's phone number on my cell, so I could let my Mom check in her. (My Aunt also has memory issues, and is having a hard time understanding, and remembering that my Mom has now moved.)

From my Mom's end of the quiet conversation, we heard her say she was fine, and of course she was home. "...I'm sitting in my big chair, The 'kids' are here, I'm comfortable...., Yes, every thing's fine. ....I'm just sitting..., in the house."

Then she slept again till we said goodbye, and we left for Minneapolis.

My sister said she'd stayed with her longer. Sitting in her wheelchair, they went through the halls and common spaces of the complex.

They stopped near a group of other residents who had gathered in the lobby. One resident had his acoustic guitar with him, and was singing and taking requests. I guess he sang "Don't Fence Me In" for my Mom and sister.

I still worry though.

One morning during that last week a month ago, while I stayed at her house with her, she told me over morning coffee: "It's Mine."

I asked what, and she said: "I own it now, free and clear. Last night they came and gave me the deed." she said with a smile. "I own the house now! It's mine!" I reminded her that she and my dad built the house years ago... way before I was even born, and of course she owned it... there wasn't really any deed involved, cuz they'd built it.

She just smiled.

Did I tell you guys that I cried the first time I saw this:? "I Have Always Loved You."

I'd just come back from walking out and around in the morning after Lynette and I had one of our big blow out arguments in NY... ( that argument was what inspired the song: "Love Is Nothing" ... just some trivia I suppose.)

It was a rainy week... and we were there painting the room which is now featured at the Carlton Arms hotel as one of the more popular rooms: #5-D; the "Venus & Lynette / All The Pretty Horses" room.

Anyway... it was one of those arguments, where Lynette is so angry at me for being so self centered, and "screaming quietly" ... you know what I mean... as we walked down the rainy wet sidewalks around Gramercy Park... I, of course, kept silent, which is what I always seem to do in arguments... I just don't know what to say... I try and stay calm... try and think... never seems to work... then sometimes I blow up.

Did I tell you guys I broke both my hands cuz of blowing up? Yeah... stupid. Once when I was about 21: (the right hand..., first band..., strummed with a cast..., played the Cabooze on a trip down to Mpls from Duluth for a gig..., (Back when The Suburb's were the big Mpls band.) Lynette and I weren't married yet..., I punched a wall.

- Then again once just a few years ago: The left hand..., the ATPH band..., learned to fret with 2 fingers..,. played Milwaukee...,Club Anything... I had punched a door frame.) ....I think I'm done with all that now.

Anyway.., yeah.., I came back the the room we were painting... Lynette was painting poems on the walls, I was painting theme and imagery. We were still stupid mad. I got back, and Lynette was out, I wandered around, then decided to work in the bathroom on one of the murals, and I saw what she'd painted... Pretty much broke my heart.

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ATPH in NY 2-2010

I'd started writing this blog a few times... even did the full point to point follow up of the last few days of the NY tour for you... then just gave up.

I went to Duluth to put in my week helping take care of my Mom... and then while driving back I decided I needed to re-write it all.

It was tough in Duluth... Mom's content enough, but money's slipping away cuz she needs 24 hr care, and we need to compensate for that time spent taking care of her even with help from family and friends...

We need to look at moving her to an assisted living place where we can get help with financial costs... and better care for her... but, of course she's not understanding how things have changed...

Her memory is worse... it's now good hr's instead of good days. The rest of the time... she sleeps, or kind of 'swims' through time. I bring her to a senior lunch, where my Aunt (who's in her 80's ) also goes... she wants me to bring my Mom to come visit... but there's the 12 stairs up to her front door, and Mom just can't make it up that many anymore. My aunt's memory is almost as bad as Mom's... and she doesn't believe Mom can't make it up the stairs... so we argue. ("Fire from her eyes!" my Cousin sez when she's argued with her about the same thing...)

We're pushing it for having Mom at this lunch... it's not really set up to take care of someone with these kind of memory issues, or health issues... but they really like my Mom there, and she likes it there too.

Back at home we play domino's a lot.

4 nights ago, Mom called my aunt and asked if we could come over to visit... (I'd suggested that she call, and ask my Aunt to come visit us. )

I had to call back, and correct all that, and argue some again, then tell my Mom we couldn't go visit her cuz of the stairs... and she gave me the deepest - saddest look. she said: "Oh, Let's Go! We can do ti!! It'll be fun!! Let's Go!" Broke my heart again...hard.... hard.

How did it happen that I'm now telling my Mom "No, you can't do that." instead of the other way around? .... all those years growing up. the push and pull of life and desire.

I suggested we just go for a drive instead... went to the lake shore... drove out to the end of Park Point. Went down Superior Street into downtown Duluth... Saw the sunset... saw the city lights. My Mom loved it... forgot all about the stairs... by the next day, she'd forgotten all about the drive.

Me and Mom at Lake Superior

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Back in NY:

Yeah, what did I write in the unpublished first draft blog?

Hmmm...

Well, we got drunk.... some of us too drunk. Fought the headaches the next day...LeFreak's knee got really, REALLY bad... Emily visited her Mom on Long Island, Eden (one of my former bass players,) came to see us with her Boyfriend Adam... The gig at Arlene's Grocery went really well... but had to do a solo cuz my drummer Trev had personal conflicts which eclipsed the trip at the last minute...so we had to scramble to make it work... but it did. My long time friend and producer Barb (or 'Super Buddha') came to the show. My other long time friend Michael, a.k.a. Mistress Formika, Jones MC'd the event. The event was "BadAss Burlesque" hosted and created by Velocity Chyaldd. LeFreak and Emily danced onstage. Then also on the floor after the set, and the event.... till the last-call locals replaced the event audience... (they kept asking me why I was dressed like I was..., all the rest of the burlesque troupe having left by then, & only me, the only one in the bar wearing a corset and pasties.... Weird!! ... Did you feel it?... I just had a flash back of small town America right there in lower east-side Manhattan!

I'd decided it was time to go...

LeFreak and Emily stayed, Me and Eden and Adam went to catch a cab. I dragged my sorry-ass guitar and lights along with me down the sidewalk..., still in heels..., still in corset and pasties, but also, tastefully, in a long coat.

-- Did I tell you guys how Eden was feeling so bad for me, after we'd left Arlene's Grocery that she insisted she carry one of my things.... heavy as they were? She tried... got about 10 feet, and totally fell flat on the sidewalk! off balance from the weight, her small stature, and perhaps that last scotch? ... I took my guitar back, while wishing I could scoop her up as well, like a kitten, and carry her along with me and the equipment. Adam, screaming at the cabs for not stopping... and about as wiggly as Eden. me too almost by then-- all very cute in the struggle I'd like to think.... the memory of that will stick in my mind for some time to come I think....

No cabs willing to stop, All had fairs going to Brooklyn. ...Had to walk for about 10 blocks towards the hotel till we finally hailed an empty cab... Blah, Blah, Blah... normal last-call NY.

Got home...

Got to Duluth...

Talked the tough talk with my drummer about trying to follow through, but also understanding how life gets smack in the way sometimes... but still... and I Hate doing these talks!!! and so, how to balance? How do I balance?

Finally back home now... Another argument about time... No time... an argument about feeling alone, aloneness, about too much self centeredness... you know, normal argument stuff.

Got through it... kind of.

So now I'm thinking about us... all of us.. We're all so alone... We're born alone.... struggling to breath.... but we grab onto life as hard as we can, tight! fighting all the way. And we struggle to be together... Find that lost soulmate... carrying each other... carry each other's things... For a time, perhaps we really do it... We get our balance... we help our friends.... We find our partners.... perhaps we make that difference. And we live that life, ....OR we live it...., then lose track...., then live it again.... and lose it again... eventually we get old... and things fall away, our balance gets shaky, and the stairs become too many. Maybe our partner dies.... our friends drift. But we keep trying..... up until the end I think seeing my Mom... remembering my Dad.

Yesterday it occurred to me that even when we're hating, we express love, cuz we're feeling it's loss so intensely.... Maybe???

The night before I left for home, (3 nights ago,) my Mom wanted to know if we needed to get up for anything... and I said I was leaving that next morning, but we'd been getting up at 7:30 or 8 am, so I wouldn't worry... and she said: "Well, I guess... but, when we start school, we're going to have to get up even earlier cuz school starts so early..., but I keep forgetting..., it's still summer vacation."

I said: "yeah..., I guess we will."

Did I tell you guys I cried the first time I saw this?: "I Have Always Loved You."